I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
