he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
