im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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