Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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