I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
