I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
