I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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