remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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