you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
