Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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