haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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