I faked an abortion last night.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize