My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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