I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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