I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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