i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
