I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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