I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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