You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
