If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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