I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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