Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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