it wasn't lemon gatorade
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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