took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
