my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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