I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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