be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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