Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
