Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
