I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
