I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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