guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
