I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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