I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Fuck appropriateness.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
