2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
