Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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