I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
