So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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