3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I can text with my tongue
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
