Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just gift wrapped bread.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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