If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
