I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
