I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Mom said you looked used
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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