Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
