Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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