worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am naked and annoyed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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