Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
