he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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