Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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