You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
