we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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