i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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