Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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