We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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