Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The power of my boobs compel you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
