i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize