We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
