ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
