I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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