My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize